Tuesday, September 18, 2012

The Battlefront

The pain is raw today... it seems that everywhere I go and everything I do is a cruel reminder that my little boy is not here, where he should be. I'm sad. And it hurts. My eyes are puffy and my face has that sticky gross feeling from the tears. I'm on my way to sit in the shower again...

But I wanted to write this down before I go. I am realising that a common battlefront in my life is my joy. It feels odd to be talking about joy on such a miserable day... but more and more I am realising that one of the major battlefronts in my life is my joy. Its always the first thing to go... and the last thing to return. In fact, right now, I don't even want to feel joy. I don't want it. I'm not interested... I want to just be miserable. And I think most people would agree that this is perfectly natural. Yesterday was 2 months since my son died. I don't want to be joyful today...

But I think that this is far from natural. The fact that I don't even want to be happy right now is ringing alarm bells in my heart. (Praise the Lord for that!) Joy is one of the fruits of the Spirit... dispair and misery are not. And didn't Jesus come that we would have life and have it to the full???  Surely that includes joy...

"These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in your and that your joy may be complete." John 15:11

"Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full." John 16:23

"For the kingdom of God is not a matter of eating and drinking but of righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit." Romans 14:17

"What has happened to your joy?" Galatians 4:15

I'm not naturally a joyful person. Never have been really. I have never been one of those people who just radiates warmth and sunshine... Joy has always been fragile for me. And its certainly never been a priority. I've never set out to simply pursue joy. I've always been far to sensible and mature for that...

But I think this is the case because the enemy doesn't want us to know the fullness of the joy we have in Christ. Joy is a fruit of the Spirit and therefore if we have the Spirit of God, we have His joy. This is important. Joy is not found in the absence of sorrow, but in the presence of Christ! Jesus tells us in John 15:11 that he gives us His joy so that our joy may be complete. Jesus is a joyful person. But he is also a man of sorrow and familiar with grief... but for the joy that was set before him, he endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God!!

So if Jesus wants to give us His joy and to make our joy complete then of course this is going to be a highly prized possession for the thief... of course its going to become a battlefront. But it is a battle worth fighting...

Exactly what this joy looks like in the midst of grief, I'm not sure. I know that joy does not equal the absence of sorrow or grief or compassion. That's called narcissism. And I know that joy does not cancel out pain. But I know it is a gift from my Redeemer and I claim it now for the sake of His steadfast love.

"When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul." Psalm 94:19

Please take a moment to pray for me.


  1. I pray for you Jakki!
    xoxox Mattanja

  2. Couldn't find the right words, so "Our Father" it was, sweet Jakki!