Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Beautifully Broken

After walking through five miscarriages... the grief, the anxiety, the relentless questions with no answers, the brokenness... we had been blessed with a perfectly healthy baby boy. His name was Hudson Charles King. Just now, after three long years of loss after loss after loss, I was beginning to allow myself to feel again. I had been numb for a long time, but now, I could feel joy and hope... revival in my soul. That desolate face of a woman gripped with hopelessness and fear was not looking at me through the mirror anymore. The woman in the mirror seemed vibrant, she had life in her eyes. I was beginning to see the reality of my Redeemer God. He had heard my cries and he was answering my prayers. The pregnancy was taxing on my physical health, more so than with my other two children, yet I rejoiced because I knew that my baby boy was healthy and that I would be cradling him in my arms soon. The nursery was ready, the bags were packed and the count down was on. Hudson was going to be delivered on July 23, 2012.  On July 16 Hudson became tangled in the umbilical chord and in that process the placenta became detached, and my little boy went to be cradled by the Prince of Peace. He was delivered stillborn on July 17, 2012.

The world looks different to me now. To loose a child is to open your eyes, and the world will forever look different. I can think of few things more torturous to the human soul than the loss of your own child. It is torture, and I have been broken by it. I am a broken woman.

I have been reflecting on my brokenness the last few days. The more I bring it to the Redeemer, the more I see how beautiful my brokenness is.

In the midst of walking through all the miscarriages, it became clear to me that I was broken. I know that many of you have the unfortunate privilege of understanding the anguish of miscarriage. I felt like less of a woman and I felt alone in my grief. Insecurities had free reign and I questioned my self worth and my value to those around me. I was ashamed and embarrassed by my brokenness. I made other people uncomfortable and I felt like I didn't belong. I had become that person who makes everyone around them feel awkward because they never know what to say. So, I did my best to hide it. I built up little walls in my heart to hide the mess within, desperately trying to fit in with all the "together" people...

Something shifted when I lost Hudson. The brokenness was all consuming. It was as if my heart had been ripped out of me with such force that all of my little walls were completely wiped out in the process. I was left utterly broken and totally exposed. I have had to accept it. I am a broken person and I cannot hide any more. I can no longer pretend to be stoic and brave, the good little Christian girl persevering under trial...

Resigning to your brokenness leaves you with only one place to go... into the arms of the Redeemer. I have never felt more free in my life. I am broken and exposed... and honestly I think this is the most beautiful thing about me.

Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied.
Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.         
                                                                                    Matthew 5: 3-9

I am not ashamed of my brokenness anymore. The colours of my life and the lives of everyone around me seem so much richer from the arms of my Redeemer. I no longer fear the mess because I see it being redeemed day by day in countless ways. From the arms of my Redeemer I see that I am beautiful. I also see that at my fundamental core I am no different to anyone around me.

I want to be careful here not to diminish the pain of my experience, or the pain of anyone else's experience. Suffering has many forms and some are called to suffer more than others. Some people suffer horrific things that none of us would hope to imagine. God will never belittle your suffering. He knows your pain and it hurts Him too. Likewise, we should be very careful that we do not diminish one another's experiences of suffering. We are called to share in one another's burdens, not to compare and contrast them, and certainly not to ignore them.

With all that I have lived through, I'm not really any different to the next person. Even all the "together" Christians are every bit as broken as I am, at their fundamental core. Its just that for me, the walls I had built up to hide behind have been damaged beyond repair. I can no longer hide the mess of my heart behind the neat and tidy life I had built around me, that life is long gone. We are all equally affected by the fall and a broken relationship with our Heavenly Father.

Do not fear your brokenness. You are still beautiful. Do not fear the brokenness of others, at their core they are the same as you. Do not be afraid to carry one another's burdens. If you carry them to the arms of the Redeemer you will know what it is to be blessed as I am blessed.

The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
                                                                                              Zephaniah 3:17

Did you hear that?   He is in your midst. He will save. And He rejoices over you with gladness, as you are, broken and beautiful...

I am Daddy's little girl. He rejoices over me with loud singing.


  1. This is beautiful, Jakki! Praise God for the way He has kept you close through your grief. Praise Him for the beauty He bestows and nurtures in His children!

  2. Jakki... so beautiful... what moving testimony to the beauty of brokeness... I love that verse in Zephaniah and I am reminded of it often on some of my harder days... Continued prayers for you my friend.


  3. Thank you sweet friends. He is so gracious and compassionate... and abounding in love. Tonya, I hope you're finding rest and peace this week. xxx

  4. Thank you for the reminder than in our brokenness we are still beautiful.
    And this:
    "Even all the "together" Christians are every bit as broken as I am, at their fundamental core. Its just that for me, the walls I had built up to hide behind have been damaged beyond repair."
    What an important truth to remember. And what a great way to say it.

  5. I am so sorry for the loss of yor precious children! Thank you for your honesty. Your blog has encouraged m e today as I struggle in my own relationships as the outsider now... I lost my 4 year old 2 years ago last week. she was my only child t the time an we had struggled with infertility up to that point. I found your blog through in courage... Although I am still trying to figure out what the communities are all about

    1. Rachel, I am so very sorry. One of the cruelest things about grief is that it seems to cut you off from friendship and leaves you feeling isolated. Thank you for just encouraging me and letting me know that I'm no alone. I pray that you would really know His closeness today. xxx